Right before the war:
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Short timer:
After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up. The doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'. The man looks shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?' 'Ten' replies the doctor. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?' The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'

Smart puppy:
A man visits his local cinema. Throughout the film, he notices that a young chap in front has brought his dog along- and what's more the hound is laughing and crying at all the relevant places. The film finishes and, gripped by curiosity, the man wanders over to the pair. "I couldn't help but notice" he says to the chap "but your dog laughed at all the funny bits and cried at all the sad bits.... its amazing! I just can't believe it!" "I can't believe it either," replies the man "he hated the book"

They're all busy:
A guy phones a house. A little boy answers.
Boy: - hello.
Man: - Hello can I speak to your mother or father please?
Boy: - No, they're busy.
Man: - OK. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Boy: - yes, two older brothers.
Man: - can I speak to one of them then please?
Boy: - No, they're busy.
Man: - Is there anyone else in the house?
Boy: - Yes, there's a policeman.
Man: - can I speak to him then please?
Boy: - No he is busy as well.
Man: - So what are they all doing?
Boy: - Looking for me.

The cure:
Following a nasty car accident, a mans wife slips into a coma. After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing" says the doctor breathlessly "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched" The husband is very excited and asks what he can do "Well" says the doc "If one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too" so the husband goes alone into the room where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her tits. Amazingly the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor waiting outside. "Excellent" he says "if she responded like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex" Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarm goes off and the medics pile into the room. "What happened?" shouts the doctor as he checks the woman's pulse. "I'm not sure," replies the man, looking sheepish......"I think she choked"

The fast way:
Hopelessly lost, a businessman approaches a local at a store. 'What's the quickest way to Galveston?' he asks. The local scratches his head. 'Are you walking or driving?' 'I'm driving' the man replies. 'Hmmm' ponders the local. 'I'd say that's definitely the quickest way'.

Old bitch:
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:" He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

Where you from?
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
The man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
The manager surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the manager asked.
"The balcony."