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Seabreeze Jokes - January 2008
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man". The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene.
Being a modern metrosexual man and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Dear Sir:
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 P.M. next Friday.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply back to him:
Dear Sir:
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference. Will the meeting be held in your company auditorium or in a stadium?
A wife was arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about!"
"Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"
Guy comes home ecstatic one day and tells his wife, "Baby, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"
The wife is overjoyed and says, "That's wonderful! What should I pack? Clothes for the beach? Clothes for skiing?"
The guy says, "I don't care, just get the hell out!"
An elderly man from San Leon told the Doc he was planning on marrying a woman of 30, and would he have any suggestions. Yes, says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder." A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says, "Fine, my wife is pregnant." The Doctor remarks, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?"
"Yep, I sure did," was the reply, "and ... she's knocked up too!"
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so after he passes the entrance test, St. Peter says to him, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "All sin is based on some form of greed. Theft, lies, you name it. So every time a living person on Earth gives in to greed, it spins his clock faster."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock overhead in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning around at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Vice President Cheney's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan!"
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